The real darkness within us (break out the waders, y’all – this gets deep)

I reached out for him as he fell. I didn’t know why I was reaching, either. Something about him was at once repulsive and intensely desirable. I felt more than a lust for him. I needed him. Our hands locked and I pulled him up over the barely visible ledge. I stood trapped in his too perfect eyes. The eyes that were boring into my soul. His smile faded and he broke the distance between us to kiss me. It wasn’t a kiss I would ever want again but it was a kiss I never wanted to end. I felt his need to possess me. Our bodies melted into the fabric of the space that surrounded us and I lost the part of me that was good. I felt that ache again…the one that left me wanting to release the power I held down inside me. The power rose up like a flood and I wanted it to rage and consume the world the way he was consuming me. His hands were my hands as they roamed my body, my eyes shut tight. This power was black and thick and hot on my skin. His hands moved up to cover my throat as his lips pulled away.

“Why do you keep the power inside you? Release it. Let it become you.”

Oh how I wanted it to. His words and the blackness were seductive. I smiled as I felt that other part of me climb out of the depths of my soul. I wanted her to come out as much as I wanted him to come inside. He kissed me again and I returned it with a heat that was as much a response to the evil inside me as it was the evil inside him. I knew it now. It was the evil that was calling to me. The Great Destroyer as the ancients had called me. I would be Her again.

Evil is so seductive, isn’t it? We try to hide from it and call ourselves good people, but it’s always there, lurking in our depths, waiting to be released. Some of us are good at keeping it down forever, but as humans we have a great propensity to become something dark and abhorrent. Thank God (yes, I’m a scientist and a Christian – don’t get me started on how those two fit perfectly together in my philosophy unless you want to be listening to me for a while) that we are also very, very good at keeping it at bay if we want to. The problem is, how much of it is being good for the sake of actually being good and how much is just fighting our nature because we are scared of it? That’s why I love to write. The social norms that we adhere to in the Real World don’t always apply in the worlds we create.

Now, I’m not advocating allowing that evil part of us to roam free, I’m just saying that if we truly want to be good forces on this world, we have to acknowledge the monster that lives inside us. If we constantly deny its existence, we won’t realize when its actually made its way to the surface of our lives. When we learn its tricks and seductive techniques, we can recognize when it’s begun to wreak havoc on our lives and send it back down where it belongs.

Do NOT ask where any of that came from! I was lying in bed last night thinking about my book and the intricacies of it and got to thinking about some things going on in my life right now that might not have gotten so out of control if I’d stopped denying that I have some bad in me just like anyone else and started placing some due blame on my own actions. I’m not sure if this snippet will make it to the book, but I kind of hope so. I like to pull in the duality of sentient existence to show that the polar ends of our personalities make up our own personal shade of gray.

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